#3: The Acceptance

Peace everyone! My two previous posts points us in the direction of starting. If you have not read them already, please do so. Also, check out the nonprofit that I founded, J2S, and be sure to donate.

This week we will take a close look at a specific road block that I faced during my journey 2 self.

Getting Personal

“At that time, I did not understand the complexity of parenthood...”

A major part of my journey 2 self has been dedicated to accepting who I am. Not just the public version of me, but all sides and angles of me. I was born in Atlanta, GA. A true Grady baby to be exact. My parents were in high school when they had me. I was raised by my mother and her family but received frequent and consistent support from my dad and his family. As a child my family dynamic was always confusing to me. At that time, I did not understand the complexity of parenthood, especially for kids who were trying to raise a kid.

When I was 3 or 4 years old, I experienced some trauma that the adult me had long forgotten. That trauma became the baseline for trust issues, lack of feeling protected, and the reason I promised myself that I would be the only person I needed. How ironic, right? A 4 year old child telling herself that she's all she got/need. At a very young age, I began to keep a lot in, so you can imagine how freeing writing my blog is.

The Foundation

Setting a foundation around fear resulted in me growing into a beautiful, intelligent, emotionally unavailable and AFRAID teenager. During high school I learned how to care for a child as I raised my mother's second daughter. I also learned how to be a caregiver due to my mom being diagnosed with breast cancer when I was about 15 years old. Many of my peers were concerned with boys, clothes, music, sports, so I pretended those were my interests as well. Anything to temporarily not face one of the worries or fears that I had inside.

Eventually the time came for college. Being a melanated, product of a teenage pregnancy, Atlanta native, self disciplined, poised with just the right amount of "don't play with me"- yet, still AFRAID, young lady, I was accepted into all schools I applied to. It was now time that I started to live for me as oppose to only living for those I cared for.

The Acceptance

“This recurring roadblock and theme of fear began to weigh on me in some of the most subtle ways.”

I ended up going to Georgia Southern University and Clayton State University for my undergrad. During college I learned some of my most valuable lessons. In 2013, I learned how to let go. My mother transitioned from her human form on 4/11/13. Three weeks and four days later, I learned how to re-pair, re-build, re-start, re-focus and re-main as I gave birth to my first daughter on 5/6/13. Fast forward to year 2014 and there I was, a college graduate, mothering a one year old (who has one of the most beautiful, teaching souls there is), and engaged to the most consistent, loving, forgiving and understanding man ever, but I was still AFRAID. Afraid of failing, trusting, committing and at times afraid to even feel alive.

This recurring roadblock and theme of fear began to weigh on me in some of the most subtle ways. Changes in my friendships, career, household, appearance and health were all the result of fear manifesting within. One random night, after an appointment with a holistic doctor that taught me the importance of talking out loud to myself as a way to remain self aware, honest and mindful, I decided to talk to me. I wanted to remember what it was like to be a child in order to connect more with my own children. This, however, led to me coming face to face with the suppressed memory of being 4 and experiencing my first encounter with trauma. The encounter I referenced in the beginning, the one that invited fear to live with me. Reminders of how I never told anyone (not even my parents), pain, dizziness and heaviness rushed through me. When I looked in the mirror, I was able to actually see the fear. It had a very familiar face as it was the 4 year old me, crying, shivering and lonely. I remember dropping to the floor as I accepted all of the fear. I hugged, kissed, forgave and uplifted that 4 year old. Still to this day, I continue to let fear know that she's safe, free and no longer in control.

In Hindsight

Often times it takes us reflecting on who we are and what we have experienced, or in my case -hidden- to see exactly what all there is to heal from. The journey 2 self is not always a vibrant experience. Sometimes it is scary, sometimes it is painful, but I can guarantee that it will always lead you to your true self. Today I am a healer, business woman, mother, sister, daughter, wife and so much more! I'm forever grateful for the individuals that came/come into my life throughout my journey. When I was in the 8th grade, my husband entered my journey and he remains the same King that has always supported me as I grow, heal, explore and discover myself. Through my bravery in releasing fear, hard work, intentional healing, his support and seeing the generational curses break as we raise our kids, I can finally say fear no longer lives here!

Write down the things you are currently fearing. We all have something that needs to be released and fear is usually a common roadblock during the journey 2 self. After creating your list of fears/things to release, burn it! There is nothing more cleansing/ending than fire. Let me know how you feel as you journey 2 accepting your true self.

Until next time,

Uniquely Aniqua